draft
ive noticed that recently each post i do I don't publish anymore. I'm starting to compile a list of unpublished written goods. of course, they are in fact not the quality I want them before I post. Not that the quality was good ingeneral with the ones I do post. I guess it's like going out in my pyjamas and I'm worried about being judged. tbh, its not that big of a deal if no one every upvotes and is being pushed into the public eye. so, in that sense I'm fine.
let me step back a little bit and think about it. what exactly am I worried bout with posting my writing or thoughts into the world. i think it's less the people on the platform judging me, but people I know googling my name and finding this. maybe this is why people go anonymous on this platform lol.
another idea I had thought was maybe I'm attracting my emotions to my ideas of self too much. perhaps, if I isolate the mind and self then I can experience joy and pain without being effected. Yes, I've been reading bout buhhda and his teachings which is influencing this concept. hey, I think he's onto something and I don't think I should shy away. buddha's story is really interesting as somehow who doesn't follow any region or grew up in one anyway it could be my time to learn.
also, by rereading my writings I noticed a trend of use of judgement. even typing the word out I have an odd sense of pressure in my heart. not sure if the word itself or just my past experience that is causing this. man, I keep circling back and forth with this judgement shit. kinda annoying.