on a man on a mission
i feel like i kinda of figured it out today. so as mentioned before I've been working on a project that i think is important for this world. the issue is how do i attribute it to my responsibilities. the voices of why you, just go watch netfix, just go chill, and go mess around. why exactly is my reason.
the project is gonna be a pain and will not have much money coming out of it. I'm literally just doing it for free. i don't see any money prospects from it. but, when i sit down and think about what other dumbass computer science student with my values will ever want to do it and stick to it, there is none. who got that dog in them but me? no one. well, not that i know of. i feel like for someone to arrive at my delusion state there would be some sort of crazy route for them to do it.
everyone is unique everyone is different and my traits align with me here. but, i want to see it forward. do i? DO IT REALLY? I'm not sure, but it's driving me insane.
one thought i had was whenever i watch a pregnant lady push a scroller down a crub, i always wonder if i should help. but, every single time i don't i have the deepest guilt and regret. i don't think it's society but yet my own guilt of knowing i could help but i did not. annoys me knowing someone who is in a weaker position not be helped.
if i can, and i feel bad not doing then i should do it. spending time wondering if i should is such a bad reason to waste time. when ultimately, if i already spent this time thinking it's something worthy of my time and dedication.
is it just me but i feel like this is some crazy saviour complex. see? like am i trying to be a hero or actually mean it? i don't think know and i hate it. ugh.
is a man on a mission because he has to or wants to? can it be both? of course, it's always both. there's my issue, it's a conflict of identities that i don't think should exist together. the "hero" and the "charitable guy". that's deeply the issue. i don't think they should be together. OH I GOT IT.
it's a clash of identity. it's normal in my mind that it should not exist. if i ask myself what is the solution to this issue? there isn't, everyone is made up of different attributes and having this interesting mix is what makes me me. maybe, wanting to be a hero and a charitable guy is what makes me who i am. there isn't a norm around who you want or could be. just be. damn, I'm a wizard with this shit.